Nothing to say

What happens when you just have nothing to say? 

I used to run around, running errands, working till late, spending little time with my kids, and sex was the last thing on my mind let alone my husband with all the stresses from my job. But with all that chaos came intrigue and conversation from the incredible events that were occurring at my office. After our wedding, we took a vacation and I made the choice to take a break from work and continue some of my education, which I have been working on for ohhh six years off and on part-time/full-time, whatever worked. I got so bored I decided I needed a job to have something interesting to look forward to and a way to keep my mind working. That’s not really a reason to work though, you should work for a number of reasons that you could choose from, but for me, the interest of doing something I like coupled with social interaction drives me to work. Currently I am not working as my husband had been deployed up until November when he returned. We sit next to each other, and he tells me about his day, as much as he can anyway, and I just listen. I have nothing to talk about and nothing to say. I have no interesting conversation or witty banter to carry on with him and I feel sort of empty about it. I was the most outgoing person all through high school up until my first marriage when my spirit was broken. Now again, i’m trying to find out what I should do with my time. 

Just another body.

So. I have two kids and my husband has two kids. When they are all together the rudeness rubs onto my kids and then it turns into a disrespecting mess. The problem is his kids don’t listen to me and I have no bearing with them. Then the parenting becomes one sided and he disciplines them and my two are trying to figure out what the heck.

I have to deal with this every other weekend and is very exhausting and gets old real fast.  I probably sound like a rude complainer, but it makes it hard for my kids who are with us all the time.  Their real dad is in N.Y. mia and is not around.  So I have always had my girls and taken care of them. I don’t want them to hate boys but these two are horrible examples. And on top of that they need to learn how to treat girls as well as live with them.

What’s the point you ask? I am just venting.  I have a hard time dealing and it’s completely awkward for me when they are around. They live with their mom and step dad so I’m sort of just another body.

Married to the military…

Here I thought I was married to a man that I fell in love with almost overnight but you can’t break free of what you’ve been taught for so long. He’s been in the military for ten plus years and has been deployed almost as much as he’s been in. He shows the changes a man goes through after being in so long, stern, unbending, and sometimes uncaring. You have to have a face of stone in the military, and he is very good at having one. Sometimes it’s really hard to watch someone do what they’ve been doing for a long time and not being able to change that. He was taught and absolutely knows how to handle every situation, in the military. When it comes to life, family and being at home, the military should stop at the door. It’s so so hard for me to bite my tongue sometimes because of the way he reacts to situations that shouldn’t have such a big reaction. Dealing with a woman and kids is a lot different than dealing with a bunch of guys especially on a daily basis. I have felt this way for a long time, but between deployments and surgery I have left it to the back of my burner. I have managed to pushed everyone away, meaning I currently have no friends, alienating myself to have my husband as my only friend. I hate to say this, but he sucks as a friend and so that leaves me to talk to no one. I am sort of floating on through life, not really going anywhere, but stuck in this place i’m in. I’m unhappy and it’s only my own fault. Previously married, I have two children who mean everything to me. I would do anything for them, and I hate to say it, but they come before anything else. When someone hurts them, they hurt me. I am only going to have these two children, and they are the only children I have. I came from a background of whole and complete families, without needing to accept children from another person into our family, so I can’t myself. I don’t like anyone else’s kids but my own, and that’s because I control my own children and know how to handle them, and they know how to handle me. I have been through a lot and i’m only 31 I think sometimes people don’t really pay attention to what has created a person anymore. For a long time it was just my girls and I until I met my husband. I let him in and trusted him to take care of us and keep us safe. I am starting to feel like now it’s more of withstanding the life that is outside of work for him, and that he would rather do other things. He ignores the fact that he has only been home almost 3 months from a deployment and it’s already wearing on him. I suppose the only thing I can do is let him figure out what he needs because 99% of the time, he won’t tell me. Sometimes I give up on trying to decipher or understand.